FEMALE SEXUAL SELF-ESTEEM
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Volumes have been
written on the topics of body-image and on self-esteem, but very little
has been said about one important aspect of a woman’s self-perception...
her sexual self-esteem and how body image can impact a woman's view of herself as a sexual being.
This is a delicate topic, but to understand it
we are required to look unflinchingly at the psychological and sociological
factors that influence a women’s concept of her sexual self. At the onset,
however, let me first acknowledge two obvious things: First, I am a male
(which for some readers will automatically disqualify me as an expert on
this topic) and second, many women already have a marvelous sexual self-esteem
(and what I will be saying will not apply). With this said, I will risk
continuing.
Anatomically, young
females see little of their genitals as they look down their bodies. Well
know sexuality educator Jessie Potter had remarked that girls have “privates,”
boys have “publics.” Because of female anatomy, I would suggest that for
many girls their “privates” were also their “secrets.” A female’s genitals
are not only secret from the world, they often remain secret for many of
their owners.
There can be something
exciting about having something secret. Mystery and intrigue surround things
held secret, but things secret also have a more negative potential. If
what is concealed by design and held in private by mandate is also portrayed
as bad, anxiety and shame can become associated with it. The socially responsible
message to “just say No” does not help a sexually response young woman
deal with her erotic desire. If a teenager identifies this natural desire
as ‘lust’ or as ‘sin,’ she is likely to feel guilty about her sexuality
and shameful of that part of her body that seems responsible.
Add to the perception of genitals as bad is the stereotype of
a vulva as being ugly and smelly. The concept ‘dirty’ becomes associated
with female genitals. A revered physician and sexuality educator, Dr. Mary
Calderone, would often remind us that may women have grown up with the
bizarre message, “Don’t touch yourself down there, it’s dirty. Save it
for the one you love.” One must wonder, if what is down there is so dirty,
why would a woman ever want to give it to someone she treasures?
To some extent, the
well-intended messages about menstruation can also add to a young woman’s
sexual self-consciousness. Menstruation is something that must remain hidden.
Tampons don’t show, pads with wings keep the secret, and mini-pads allow
for normal appearing movement. Belts went the way of the bell bottoms,
so women no longer had to worry about telltale lines, I wonder how
many women grew up thinking they were called ‘sanitary pads’ because there
was something sick or dirty about a very normal process. The cross section
of a woman’s pelvis in the flier of a tampon box is drawn without a clitoris.
A brochure on benign prostatic hypertrophy would never show a cross section
of a man’s pelvis without including a penis. Boys have ‘publics,” girls
have ‘privates!’
Aging women are faced
with the challenge of maintaining a good sexual self-image in the face
of the media presentation of sexy as a woman with a perfectly proportioned
and remarkably firm body, and as sex as an activity engaged in by this
perfect woman and a perfect male partner. Aging heterosexual women and
lesbian women of all ages are disenfranchised by the notion attracting
a sexy young man is the mark of a woman’s sexual attractiveness. Bodies
change as we age, but we do not see these aging bodies in hot steamy love
scenes. Sex is for the young, the beautiful and heterosexuals. There are
jokes about we older folks doing it, or more often than not, about we older
folks not doing it. (A unique erotic romance novel titled Gray Pleasures presents a very
positive portrayal of aging passion and offers a formula for lifelong sensuality.)
There is another problem
that many older women have grown up with, but I think might finally be
changing. This is the image of the passive female and the sexually aggressive
male whose role is to seduce her. Once seduced, the woman having been turned
on by the man is laid in a passive position and mounted, the male orchestrating
the coital dance. Many women still in that supine position wonder why they
are not reaching orgasm during intercourse, never realizing that the majority
of women never do reach orgasm during intercourse and that the missionary
position is one of the most ineffective ways to attempt to do so. Men in
the superior posture act out their image as active, dominant, in control,
and reliably orgasmic. The women on the bottom remain passive, receptive,
to some extent helpless, and often wondering “Is that all there is?”
As I stated at the
beginning of this article, many women have a wonderfully positive sense
of sexual self-esteem, and most of these have probably quit reading this
by now. Those of you who are still with me, bear with me a bit longer as
I now attempt to offer some tips on improving your sexual self-esteem.
Get your genitals
out of the closet. Perhaps nurses more than any other women have seen genitals
with problems. They have not been sensual loving lustful vulvas... they
have those that are infected, diseased, or injured. When was the last time
you looked at yours, other than wondering about that itch or worried about
that discharge. When did you last look and say to yourself, “Neat!” Take
a hand mirror and with ample light, look and say “Hello” to that very special
part of your body. Give your vulva a playful nickname! Take pride in your
womanhood and remind yourself that there is nothing dirty or ugly or smelly
about your body.
It is hard when a
woman loses one or both breasts to cancer. Remind yourself that sexuality
is not about anatomy, it is about attitude. It’s no secret that breasts
change their appearance as women age... lots of things begin to sag. Reminisce
joyfully about the firmness of your youth. Value your past without morning
your loss. Stand in from of a mirror and find the angle that are most attractive.
Look for the areas that are still sexy.
Take responsibility
for your body and for your satisfaction. If you have never masturbated,
give yourself permission to try... it really is a very effective way to
own your body and your sexuality, not to mention learning what really does
work best. If you have a partner, be more active, ask for what you want,
and try new things. If that partner happens to be male, have him lay on
his back and you mount him. The female superior position is very effective
for many women, as they are able to control the movement and get the clitoral
stimulation needed for maximum coital pleasure. (Typically this works best
when the woman leans forward, stays in tight against her partner, and slides
back and forth... rather than sliding up and down.) Take charge, be in
control and get what you want. Most men love being “used.” (See the free article on the best positions for
female orgasms during intercourse.
Allow yourself to
have sexual fantasies in which you are the pursuer... the seducer. Wear
comfortable underwear that helps you feel sexy. Do it for yourself, not
for others. Be playful with your little harmless sexual secrets... chase
away any old guilt or shame. (see the free article on sexual fantasy.
Talk to other women
about the myth of the passive sexual female or the over-the-hill stereotype.
Talk to your partner about your positive sexual attitude. Share your understanding
of your own body and what you like and need. Flirt with your partner.
Remember, you are
a complete sexual being, packaged in a marvelous body and capable of superb
sexual experiences... of your choice.
© Robert W. Birch
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